Trying to understand love
by Thepotterheadz
Summary: When James Potter desides to read Lily Evans's diary it all goes down hill ... Disclamer- I dont own Harry Potter and my discriptions suck ... Rated M for later chapters and i'm paranoid
1. The Diary

**A/N : Hiya , this is my first ever fanfiction , so enjoy and review ( New chapters coming soon )**

Lily Evans was walking furiously along the bank of the Black Lake, some idiot had just soaked her Transfiguration notes and she'd have to copy them all out again. " Great " she muttered to her self "Just perfect " This was one of her worst days this year , and that was saying somthing...

As she was walking, Lily heard familiar voices but didn't have the time to fathom whose voices they were, and continued walking briskly, not looking where she was going.

All of a sudden she walked into something solid and was sent flying, looking up she saw the last person she would have wanted to at that moment, And what did he have in his hand? Her diary. "Give it back, Potter." Lily mumbled irritably, scooping her other books up.

"Nope I'm reading it" He laughed keeping it just above her head and waving it. He started reading it out loud "this diary is a present from Sev blah blah blah" He said flicking through the pages.

"Stop it that's private!" Lily squealed, trying to snatch it off him but he put it higher above her. She jumped up.

"Severus has been acting strange lately. He got really annoyed when I was talking to Remus about Prefect duties." He chuckled to himself and looked through the pages laughing now and then, still reading them out.

Lily jumped up to try and snatch the open book out of his hands, James laughed at her feeble attempt. He turned the page and started to read the next one "Dear diary. Today Sirius was really nice to me. He helped clean up my mess in Herbology after that horrid idiot James decided to smash the pot I was using for Mandrakes." James frowned at her "Thanks Evans." He said sarcastically but hurt, he decided not to read them out anymore, but kept on reading , not even looking down at her anymore

The next three were all like this, comparing him to Severus for then next entry and Sirius for the next two. He threw it on the ground "you know what, you can keep your stupid little book" he stormed of deliberately stomping on the diary and pushing it down into the wet mud and some of the pages were bent down, completly ruining it , it used to look untouched and crisp , now it was just a mess

Lily stood there for a minute feeling terrible, she picked the diary up. Its once clean white cover was now covered in mud, its pages were wet so you couldn't really tell what it read inside anymore. Her eyes started to water. She quickly dabbed her eyes with the edge of her robe , feeling stupid.

She grabbed a tissue from her bag and dabbed the diary but it only made it worse, instead she wrapped the tissue around it and put it away, gently placing it in the bottom of her bag and swinging it onto her back and stood up and brushed the dirt off her skirt.


	2. Heading to lessons

**( A/N** **Hey you guys , please review for your ideas on where the story should go and how it is so far , thanks )**

Lily started to head for lessons, she couldnt stop thinking about it and feeling bad , she stumbled over a tree root but didnt fall. She blushed as people started laughing at her and walked faster

James wasn't his usual self, sitting at the back of the class and not even looking at her, or any of the teachers once. In Potions , the only lesson she didn't have with James , she sat next to Severus , but of course him being him, didn't notice she was upset "Do you need help?" he asked her when she poured way to much horklamp juice into her cauldron.

"Oh no thanks Sev" she said realizing what she had done and quickly fixed it. She had felt so stupid today, why the hell had she taken her diaryround with her all day anyway in the first place? Stupidity!

She couldn't understand why she was so upset , she normally wanted James to leave her alone. She didn't bother going to eat in the great hall so stayed in the chair closest to the fire, staring into it for hours, she hadn't really paid any attention to the fact that she didn't have many friends in her house, she used to have older friends but they had all left, most of her nights were full of James and Sirius messing around, no one did tonight, it seemed very quiet.

Lily had lost track of time but saw James go up to his dorm when it was still light outside. After a few minutes Sirius came and sat next to her on the sofa. She didnt even bother to look at him.

"What's happened to you and James? You both seem" he struggled trying to find a word for it "… down"

Lily didn't what to talk to him, she didn't want him to know what was in the diary "It's my fault" she said starting to cry again. "It wouldn't have happened if I didn't write in that stupid diary" She sobbed.

James had come down again to get his book just in time to see Sirius drying Lily's tears and rubbing her shoulder trying to cheer her up James bolted back to his dorm, threw his invisibility cloak over him and stormed out of the common room. He was furious , Sirius knew he liked her any yet he was trying to steal her from him...

Sirius of course knowing about the cloak suspected something when the portrait hole flew open. He walked over to Remus, he had also seen this. Lily left the room to go and see Severus whilst Remus and Sirius talked. She needed someone to talk to , and at least he wouldnt make her feel bad


	3. Havent you done enough?

**( A/N** : **This must have been my fav chapter to write , Hope its yours to read aswell, Dont forget to review )**

Lily left unnoticed. She quickly ran to the owlery to send Severus a letter first. Still crying she reached it , it was cold and wet up here, only a few owls had stayed here for the night. She got a piece of parchment out of her bag and wrote  
'Sev. Please meet me by the library as soon as you get this , if you cant send a owl back – Lily'

She saw a light brown owl and attached it to its leg. She stroked its head for a minute then it left. Lily when to go and meet him but saw Sirius and Remus running through a corridor. On a whim she decided to follow them.

She hid behind corners and staircases in case they looked back, they had been running through what felt like the whole castle when they came to the door which lead to the quiddich pitch and the forbidden forest.

"Wait here" Sirius said to Remus "I'll go find him" he said.

Remus at first fought to go but eventually agreed. After a moment Sirius transformed into a massive black dog and quickly ran off.

Lily gasped and Remus turned round and shouted "Who's there?" Lily stayed hidden behind a statue even though she was sure she had been seen.

"I know your there!" He said coming towards her.

Lily shut her eyes tight , wishing she wasn't there. "Lily!" He shouted when he saw her. "What the hell are you doing here?!" She winced as he shouted. "Why did you follow us?!" Lily had no answer for this, she didn't know why she had followed them, and she just went.

"I just wanted to ..." she cut off there and started crying again "Haven't you done enough Lily?" he said in disgust. Lily froze for a moment but then slid down the wall crying , resting her head on her knee's thinking about how she had no friends anymore. Remus hated her, James hated her and Severus would hate her when she didn't show up.

Great all she was now was a friendless idiot. She couldn't even bare the thought of getting up and going back to the common room , or even going to see Sev.

He would be so annoyed , he had started to go off with a few of the creepier slytherins and Lily hated it , she needed her old friend back and she needed him now. Someone to come to her , of course that wasnt going to happen.

What would she do after this? What happens if Sirius and James come back this way? She had started scaring herself now, She would have to move; but she couldnt find the strength to now , maybe later , by the sounds of it they wernt going to be back soon anyway...


	4. Why was it always him saving her?

**A/N : Thanks for all your reviews guys ! Dont worry people who asked , Severus and Lupin don't hate her, she's just being dramatic**

Lily stayed there crying for hours, she didn't sleep and didn't move other than shivering , she told herself she deserved it and didn't get warm, but wrapped her arms round her legs. She rocked slightly, her eyes shut tight.

She started to move when she heard people coming down for their breakfast. She ran to the abandoned girls toilets and slammed the door behind her stayed and lent against the cold sink, crying into it. She looked at herself in the mirror then quickly looked away again. "This was not the time to be worrying about looks" She whispered to herself

She didn't go for breakfast and for the first time in her life ,skipped lessons. No one ever came into these toilets. She jumped when she heard someone shout her name and knocking on the door. She was sitting on the floor now, she was too tired to even stand

"Lily? Are you in there ?" They yelled. She hesitated, hearing that it was a male's voice and this was clearly a female bathroom

"Yes" she said quietly, thinking it was a teacher asking why she wasn't in lessons. She started panicking, teachers never told her off. She was the perfect student , Straight O's in everything , Prefect and teachers loved her !

"Lily come out" he said gently. Lily couldn't even stand the thought off going out and facing everyone, she didn't know how many people might be walking around outside to see her like this, she was a mess , her hair was all knotted and her eyes were red and bloodshot

"No! I don't want to" she said her voice cracking whilst she sobbed. Against all his instincts he walked in. Lily moved back on her hands seeing who it was. It was Sirius. As soon as she saw him she remembered him turning into a dog. She moved so she was right against the wall.

"It's okay Lily " he said gently , cautiously walking towards her. Remus had told him what she saw. He went and sat himself next to her "James is a mess too you know." She turned her head away from him, forgetting about Sirius's transfiguration she cried into her own arm. Why was it always Sirius coming to save her? It just made her feel worse she cried harder "Do you want to go to the common room? He won't be there, I promise" he asked after she had calmed down a bit. Lily didn't know whether to go or not.

"I don't know" She said quietly drying her eyes. "Come on" Sirius said standing up "no one else is going to be there all in lessons." Lily winced slightly . How many lessons had she missed ? What if there was something important or a teacher needed her? she was bound to get her first ever detention for this!

She thought about it for a moment and then nodded her head at him. He dragged her up by her hand and lead her towards the Gryffindor common room. "Are you ever going to tell me what happened to you and James?" he asked her sarcastically but still softly.

James wouldn't even talk to him used to tell each other everything , Sirius was the first to know that he liked her , the first to know that he hated Severus, and now all he did was stay in his dorm and ignore everyone.

Lily shook her head at Sirius. She rubbed her eyes, trying not to start crying again. It was hard to get away from talking about this , she just wanted to forget about it , she was being dramatic and she knew it but she didn't know why. She took a deep breath and tried to calm her self.

" I guessed not" He sighed and put his hands in his pockets, he was losing James and he needed to go see him, He

"Sorry" She muttered and carried on walking with him in silence

**Please review !**


	5. I owe you a diary

**Hiya , Im not too amazed with the end of this chapter , but tell me what you think !**

Sirius went first through the portrait hole ,Lily went after him and sat in the chair closest to the fire. She stared deeply into it, trying not to think, But to no avail burst out in tears again. She tried to focus on the fire, how it moved and swayed. It didnt really help but she kept doing it anyway.

Sirius had set her thinking about the diary. She shakily pulled it out of her bag and stared at it for a couple of minuites she started to unwrap the damp tissue from its messy cover. It was a stained a horrid muddy brown, the ink had leaked so it was hard to make out what it said, its pages where brown and yellow making it looks disgusting. She held it tightly in her hands, flicking through its ruined pages. Crying harder with every entry but she couldnt find the strength to put it away, she finally found the entry she was looking for , but couldnt stand reading it and turned the page again

She didn't notice when Sirius went up to his dorm, she was too distracted by her own tears and diary. She placed the diary next to her and curled up into a ball trying to hide her face. Sirius had gone to talk to James. He was lying on his four posted bed, his eyes wet and red, wouldnt she have cryed out by now? She was too sleepy to even answer her own question , she had been up for twentyfour hours and she could really feel it.

"James?" Sirius asked as he went in "What's up mate? Come on you can talk to me" He said sitting on his own bed which was next to his. He had clearly been crying

"I don't know why I try" he mumbled his voice cracking "She clearly doesn't like me"

"Just come downstairs , theres no one there , it would be good just to get out of this room" He lied , trying to get them to make up so he can get one of his best friends back.

He finally persuaded him to come downstairs. James went first and Sirius followed him, conveniently blocking the way back. James's face filled with fury as he saw Lily, he couldn't see that she was crying. He turned around to go back but Sirius stopped him "Lily?" Sirius asked gently "Yes?" she replied sobbing. James's face changed completly , he now looked sympathetic and almost like he was in pain when he heard her voice, he could tell she had been crying.

He turned round again so he was facing away from Sirius. He walked closer to her. Lily didn't know James was there. She had he face hidden in the sofa so she couldn't see who it was coming closer. Someone had started stroking her hair.

"Hey you" He said softly. She could tell it was James. She suddenly sat up but tried to avoid his gaze, she grabbed the diary from beside her and flicked to one of the newest entries and gave it to him then ran off to her dorm. James didn't try and stop her but kept on looking at the door she had left through. After about five minutes he looked down at the diary, it read

"Dear diary. I think I might be falling for James, as long as he's not messing around like normal" there was a little love heart and a smiley face at the end of the entry. He read it over and over again a small smile on his face. He looked up and saw Lily standing by the door she had left went over to her and hugged her. "Sorry Evans" He said gently, letting her cry on his shoulder

"I owe you a new diary" He said looking at the old one and feeling bad for her.

"No you don't" she said taking a deep breath, trying to calm herself. "No you don't" she repeated not crying anymore. Still hugging him she whispered "Sorry I didn't mean what I what I put in there before, your not horrid or an idiot and your much nicer then Sirius."She explained, hugging him tighter.

James felt a bit better trusting her even now. He replied "Now I'm defiantly getting you a diary now."

"Nope , honestly , I dont want one" She said looking at him and saying it with a stern tone

"Are you sure? I dont mind you know" He said looking back at her , feeling terrible for destroying it

" James Potter I do not want another diary !" She exclaimed "And dont you dare get me one !"

"Fine , I promise I wont " He sighed , trying his best not to start a arugment. He stroked her hair , trying to calm her down

"I'd better go..." She mumbled , despreat for sleep but planning on going to lessons

"Okay, I might see you tonight" He said , making his way out of the common room.

**Review !**

**Oh and if anyone has any good fanfics they think our good please tell me ! I need somthing to read !**


	6. I need to sleep on it

**A/N : Hey guys ! Sorry for the super long wait . I really don't like this chapter , way to much speech . Anyway , review with what I should do... THE WRITERS BLOCK IS COMING!**

Lily stood there for a second and ran over what had happened in her head. She quickly went up to her room and combed her hair and brushed her teeth then ran off to her next lesson. Potions, the only lesson she had with Sev...

She walked in , the rest of the class were all working and she went in unnoticed. She when over to Severus " Hi..." She said , giving him an odd half-smile

"Hey" He said mindlessly, not looking at her and scribbling something in his text-book

"I'm really sorry about last night ... I sort of got caught up in something" She murmured

"Its okay" He said shrugging

They didn't talk for the rest of the lesson and the day passed slowly for lily , she dragged herself back to the common room and slumped back into a chair and pulled a pile of homework out of her bag, She hadn't got a detention for skipping lessons but she had been given double the amount of work to do. She didn't know where she stood in her whole argument with James , she couldn't understand how she felt, she assumed she was just tired and started to put everything back in her bag

"Whatcha doing Evans?" James asked from behind her, Lily quickly turned to face him and stood there awkwardly

"Um, just about to go to bed" She said quietly , not knowing if her and James were on the same page

"Really? Its only about eight!" He exclaimed

"Yes , but unlike you I didn't spend the whole day sleeping" She mumbled and picked up her bag

"Hey! I was not sleeping, I was making up my amazing new plan!" James said confidently

She decided to go along with it, he clearly wanted to talk about it. "What amazing new plan?" She asked sighing

"Ah , but that would be cheating" He smirked "But I guess I could tell you if you're that desperate..."

"Oh just spit it out already" She said eagerly, trying to speed up the convosation so she could head back to her dorm and sleep.

"Well , it has something to do with you"

She quickly cut him off "If this is another on of your stupid pranks you can drop it right now!" She said sternly and folding her arms

"No it's not! Honestly! I was trying to think of a way that you would go out with me..." He explained "I clearly didn't get very far"

She couldnt belive herself , she was actually considering it "Er , well ... Give me till morning" She stuttered , and with that she ran upstairs to her dorm.

Lily laid down on her bed, she had no idea what to do. She did like James , but enough to go out with him? She had been putting it off for years... She didn't fall asleep for hours, she could hear everyone leaving to common room and going to their rooms. Lily wrapped her self up in her red duvet , finally making her decision and falling asleep.

She was woken up at seven in the morning by the sounds of the other people in her dorm, she yawned and rolled over then slowly sat up. She rubbed her eyes and jumped out of her bed to go and get changed.

She briskly walked down the stairs and before James could say anything a quick "Yes" Escaped her lips. She felt a rush of excitement and climbed through the portrait hole and out of the common room.

**Please review with idea's, how you think its going and your fanfics ! I need something to read!**

**P.S ~ I'm a HUGE Victoire-Teddy shiper so if you have writen or read them I want those too !**


	7. Yes

**AN: Hey guys , sorry this took so long to update, I will try and upload more often , please give me your ideas on what should happen next**

Lily walked out giggling slightly, feeling extremely happy with herself. She went slowly , letting her hair sway behind her and silently having a celebration inside her head, She couldn't help but smile widely. She had finally done it. Finally said yes to James.

She headed for charms , she was early but she would rather be first to lessons then have to cope with James's crew mocking her. Or would he stop them now? God that would be a difference. No James or Sirius bugging her all the time, well that wasnt completely true. They wouldn't be annoying her about going out with him, but she was sure they would find something else to tease her about. Just perfect.

Lily couldn't recall the last time she had a boyfriend , probably at her muggle primary school. Now that was something she did NOT want to bring up! It's not like James would mind her being muggle-born, He knew about it and he clearly still liked her. But the thought of telling him that she went to muggle school was a nightmare to her. James, a pure-blood , didn't understand non-wizard schooling and that the non-wizard children started school at four and five , not eleven and she couldn't even bear the thought of the continuous questions that would be fired at her

She shook her head as she walked, quickly shaking off the thought. Maybe she should have stayed in the common room with James and walked with him...

She slowed down, maybe he would catch up with her. Oh well , she'd already done it , no point lingering on it. She sighed but didn't pick up her pace again and carried on walking up to Charms slowly.

Lily sat down agents the wall by the door for her lesson and pulled out an advanced textbook she had bought on her last Hogsmead trip and being to read it mindlessly, pushing a strand of hair that had fallen from her messy high ponytail behind her ear so she cold have a better view.

People started to walk past her as it got closer to lessons , no one coming to hers though. She tried to ignore their gazes as they went past by focusing on her book, It got harder when they started to throw stupid petty jabs at her , the most common being about her hair, She had always been self-conscious but it had started to wear off as she had gotten older. She rolled her eyes and kept on reading , glancing at her watch every now and then.

When it finally reached 9:30 am , she briskly placed her book in her bag and stood up. A few other people were waiting with her , no one she knew well enough to say anything to other than a brief "Hi" And an awkward wave.

When the Teacher eventually opened the door for them , she walked inside , smiling at the teacher as she past him and sat at the desk at the front, grabbing a quill and parchment and copying down the date. James did not come in that lesson...

**Please review xxx**


	8. Ah crap

**A/N - Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh I am SO sorry this hasn't been update for so long, promise the next one will be loads quicker**

Lily was sitting in the third lesson of the day. Transfiguration. She hadn't seen James since that morning , but she didn't worry. It was normal for him to skip first lesson and she wasnt in his second.

For some reason she felt oddly nervous. She was early, as normal and she was sure he would be late. As normal.

She was sitting at her desk, at the back in this class. It turns out that professor McGonagall thinks keeping the bad students at the front will make them behave more. Yeah, that's going to work...

For the first time in her life, she was actually twiddling her thumbs. It just seemed like the right thing to do , she had never been in this sort of situation before... Was this even classed as a situation? James hadn't even came to class yet! Maybe he didn't want to see her. What if he was just kidding about wanting to go out with her?

No.

James had CLEARLY liked her since she had started talking to him ( Around the end of her second year ) She had suspected as she thought back if her liked her before that. Oh well. Nothing she could do about it now, well , she could always ask when he finally gets here...

"Right, Settle down !" professor McGonagall said firmly, standing up and pacing the front of the class. Lily didn't have any trouble hearing her even though she sat so far back.

she leaned forward onto the desk. Not really listening to anything she said. She was droning on about Animagi. It was nothing Lily didn't know, she often spent her nights reading ahead of the rest of school, she hated not knowing what other people were talking about.

McGonagall was now slowly demonstrating how to flick your wand in a certain way. That's when Lily looked over at the door. something had caught her eye, just a small movement but that was what she was waiting for. James was finally here. She suddenly was filled with anxiety

Annoyingly, Sirius and Peter were with him. She didn't really know why she thought they wouldn't be, they were in this class.

Lily looked back at the professor; deciding it wouldn't be the best idea to stare at him. He eventually walked in after stuffing chocolate frogs into their robe-pockets

McGonagall glared at them "Late again boys, take your seats and if you are late one more time" She rose one finger and pointed at them " Detention for all of you , know sit ! " She pointed at the area where the sits were placed and the boys staggered over.

Peter was about to past the first row of desks to where he sat at the back (Right next to Lily) When James hit him on the arm "Swap with me, yeah?" He wispered. Sirius had taken his seat on the other end of the row and McGonagall had started blubbering on again.

"Uh, well-" He was about to continue and most likely disagree but James patted his shoulder and pushed past him glancing back "Thanks mate" Peter reluctantly sat down in James' usual seat.

James came and sat by her. "Hey Evans" He said quietly, grabbing his quill out of his bag "You left in a hurry this morning"

"Oh, yeah. Sorry about that" She said quickly "I Had to go... Sorry" She quickly being scribbling notes down on her parchment, trying to avoid his gaze "Its fine, I just wondered where you went" He shrugged

"I just went to first lesson, unlike you" She smirked but didn't look up

"Hey! That has nothing to do with it !" He chuckled. Lily was going to reply, but the loud voice of McGonagall interrupted her

"Lily, James. Detention , this break !" She shouted and carried on tapping a white shiny tea-cup that was slowly turning different colors and looked much like a mood ring

"Ah crap. I'm sorry Evans" He whispered, making sure the teacher couldn't hear.

"Its fine, I don't really care, I wasn't planning on doing anything anyway" She said honestly, but with a fake small smile. James looked at her suspiciously "Really? I thought you would freak out" He replied , glancing over at the teacher he hated most at the moment. "No, not really. Its fine" She shrugged again "You should really shut up though"

He didn't say anything else for the rest of the lesson.

**As normal, please review and send me your fanfics :D**


	9. Damn stairs

**Hey Guys ! I tried to upload this quite quickly , but I do think it has a bit of a dodgy ending. Damn writers block! Please please please give me some ideas on where this should go, I'm stuck. **

Everyone in James' and Lily's class had exited their class, they were both still sitting at their desks. Lily _was worried_ about what McGonagall would say whereas James couldn't really care less, it was nothing new to him.

McGonagall laid a piece of parchment down on her table and walked over, looking at the floor in front of her, avoiding both of their stares.

"James , out now please!" She said , gesturing towards the door. "30 points from Gryffindor" James whined and stood up "Lily, you stay here, I need to talk to you" McGonagall said, turning to face her.

"I'll wait for you" James mouthed, picked up his bag and headed for the door. Lily nodded and watched him leave.

It wasn't until they heard the door shut that McGonagall said anything "Lily, this is very disappointing. You have N.E.W.T's later this year and you are wasting your time talking to Potter instead of listening. Now get out of my classroom and don't expect me to let you off this easily again!"

Lily stood up nervously and left the class hastily. James was waiting on te left side of the wooden door frame "So, what did she say?"He asked, is eyes widening "Oh nothing really" She said shrugging "Just something about me needing to pay more attention to pass my N.E.W.T's"  
"Oh, well... Sorry" James said feeling bad for her. Even though she didn't sound worried at all. "I suppose we should just go to next lesson , Its nearly time for it" He said. Lily nodded and walked up the stairs with him.

"Shit!" James muttered as the stairs started to move in the completely wrong direction they needed to go in. "Well this is useful" He said "We theres no way we can get up to fourth floor from here" He looked up "We'll just have to wait for the stairs to move again." He sat down on the stairs and Lily hesitated but sat next to him.

There was silence for a moment "How come you said yes this time?" James asked quietly. Lily tensed , she didn't really know why she just did... "I Guess I just grew up a bit" She answered shrugging

"What does that mean?" He replied, now confused

"I don't really know how to explain it" She said. She didn't even know.

"Are you just going out with me because you want a boyfriend?" James asked nervously. The truth was, even if Lily _did _only want a boyfriend, he probably wouldn't leave her. He couldn't understand the capacity he liked Lily, in his eyes, she was perfect , beautiful and amazing. He would give _anything_ to keep being her boyfriend...

"No!" She said loudly "Of course not!" James practically sighed in relief, he trusted her, even though most people would think she could be lying "Okay, sorry. I just needed to know" He said explained.

Lily couldn't belive it. She would never do that to anyone and defiantly not him! "I wouldn't ever do that !"

"Sorry, I know , I just needed to check... sorry"

Lily eyed him for a moment "Well I'm not, I promise" she said , now calmed slightly. James gave her a half-smile and leaned back slightly. Lily stayed sitting up straight, thinking it was highly inappropriate.

There was a grinding of the two rocks moving against eachother and the stairs swung round slowly. When it finally came to a stop , Lily stood up quickly and hastily walked to first lesson. James however did not walk so enthusiastically and arrived at the lesson five minutes behind her.

**As normal, review and give me a link to your fanfics :) Please help me over come my writers block xxx**


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